It's me again

 I'm crying again😭can't seems to walk out of this sorrow of my child not living with me and not visiting me often.

I'm afraid of being left alone without any loved ones to love me or care for me. So heart pain at the thought of unable to see my grand child.

It's karma, yes karma. It's bouncing back at me. In my younger days, I don't visit my own father, only on occasions or during festive period I go see him.

Now, in my golden years, I faced this karma. I can only cry and cannot blame anyone. I deserve it!

Slapped myself many times but it cannot undo all those horrible things I've done in my younger days.

I can't sleep well. I think I got insomnia or going into depression. I can't help not thinking about it every night

Now, at work, getting scolded for someone's else mistake is making my depression worst.

Luckily got some activities on Friday and Sunday, at least takes my mind off for a few hours. But when it comes to sleeping hours, this is what will happen. Yes, cant's sleep and start crying and writing down my thoughts, just like what I'm doing now.

Do you think I should go see psychiatric????

I write and write but nobody respond. >sigh<

so sad.👪

Live like living for nothing

 Waking up every morning is a bonus to me.

But whatever for??? I having nothing to look forward to.

So sad.

I was so happy thinking I could play a small role in your child's life.

But her body language told me "no way!" and eagerly moved out happily.

>Sigh< What did I do to deserve this?

Crying my heart out almost every night 😭

So hurt and heart broken 💔

Well, like the Chinese saying "parents will lose a son after he gets a wife".

So bloody TRUE.

Broken Heart Again

 I kept telling myself not to cry but I can't help it

. My tears fell like rain . I missed U son.

I can only watch U from far, your back moving further away from me.

I am scared to call U. Afraid that U will feel irritated when I start talking to U. I also afraid and scared that your body language will hurt my heart once again just like the other day.

I was really looking forward to see U tonight but I chose to avoid U because I don't want to be hurt again. It's a terrible feeling!

I missed U so much, Son. Hopefully one day we can be happy as a family again. Don't take too long for that day to come okay.

Broken Heart

 Never realised you hated us so much. Can't even bear to talk to us for 5minutes and just wanted to get out of our house hurriedly.

Although you were not rude but your body language speaks out loud. We old folks felt it.

I thought we are living in harmony and we don't argue nor have any differences. We speaks out frankly.

So it is not a myth that parents will lose a son after he has a wife.

I'm very upset and cried over it. But I tell myself move on and don't expect them to care for us and attend our funeral.

32 years of relationship gone just like that.

Perhaps it's our fault for not nurturing you to have strong bond with parents and we failed to teach you the importance of kinship.

Sorry Son, it's our greatest mistake and deeply regret it.

Take care and we will not bother you anymore. Not to mention seeing our grand daughter or grand son.

But if you still have a heart for your parents, do call us once in a blue moon. We will be happy to hear your voice though.

Love you forever!

 Good morning, again woke up in middle of the night, unable to drift back to sleep 😔

I'm worried if this continues .....

I'm going for a full time 8 to 5 job soon

I'm gonna be so tired and won't be able to think fast and sharp to tackle the day's work!

How am I going to cope of this old people's problem?

They often say "let nature takes it's cause, things will go right eventually" ... I really really hope so

I'm so scared and don't know how long I can take it!

Am I going crazy, depress, or losing sanity?

>sigh< let it be let it be let it be let it be ...... as the song goes

Confused and Scared

I knew everyone has to die one day.  Nothing can escape death.

Death is an extremely scary thing for no one will know what's death gonna be like.  I fear death and very often will think about how my life would end.  Will I have a peaceful death without pain and suffering? Will I know when my time is up?

Going to bed at night is the worst.  I would end up thinking about death and that will make me more fearful and scared.  I will quickly chant Buddha Kwan Im to keep my mind off the thought.

There are many questions going through my head, how I would leave this world, when will I leave, where will I be when time comes, and so on.  Nobody has the answer, not even the enlightened monk or nun.

My husband always tells me, "why think when there is no answer? Live happily la."

Sometimes, I would think back about the bad things I did when I was growing up.  After moving back to stay with my dad, I remembered taking money from his work pocket without telling him.  Now I think about it, this is stealing! Omigosh, I'm such a horrible person! I also tell lies many times, even till this day! Oh no, I'm gonna be burnt in hell and had my tongue cut!

How to atone for my sins?  Till this day, I've not done any good deeds, I'm gonna be sent to hell instead.  Sob, sob, how?!!

Sigh, don't think so much la, do good if opportunity comes.

Young Villain

 I was shocked and disturbed what an eighteen or nineteen lady did to me yesterday.

I work in a supermarket as a cashier and staff are not allowed to make purchases at their own cash counter.  Hence, the staff has to move to other cash counters to make a payment.

A young temporary staff (A1) came to my counter and made payment for a $2.50 bottle of drink.  She paid with a $10 note and I returned $7.50.  We made small talk shortly after the exchange.

While talking, A1 suddenly took out a 20 cents coin and asked me if I paid her a 20cents instead of 50cents.  I was not sure but I remembered giving her 2 20 cents and 1 ten cents coins.  But A1 sounded confident that I gave her a 20 cents coin. 

Since there was no witness or CCTV to view, I gave her back 30cents out of goodwill.

However, I noticed A1 looked guilty and handed back the 30 cents to me and said "oh, never mind only 30 cents".  But I insisted she keeps the change.  A1 tried to return the change to me several times, but I refused to take it back.

While doing closing of the accounts, I was short of 30cents and informed the chief cashier (CC) about it.  Usually CC would raise voice and comment "aiyo shortage ah" and she would just update the shortage form.  CC don't question how it happened.

But in this incident, CC asked "why it happen?"  I was taken aback and answered "I gave a 20 cents instead of 50cents to a customer".  CC then asked "customer or staff?"

I was shocked why CC mentioned "staff" but nevertheless I replied her "customer".

When I was traveling on the MRT, after several thoughts of why CC questioned this time, I came to a conclusion that A1 created this incident and back stab me by reporting to CC, making her (A1) a reliable informer.

Shit to A1, she will get to taste her own medicine one fine day.  She is still young and has a long long route in front of her.

Good luck A1!

Superstitious

"Oei, don't talk rubbish!"

"Why are you cursing me! Don't you dare anyhow blurt out congratulatory message, Gong Xi Gong Xi before I do my cash closing settlement!"

"It's bad luck to congratulate for balancing the accounts in advance just before physical settlement!"

"You and your bad mouth, now I really can't tally my accounts, you smelly mouth!"

Sometimes, I wonder if it is really fact or myth on things like that, but such incidents do happen to me most of the time!

So, I learnt a lesson to do all these highly superstitious task quietly, out of anyone's sight.

Maybe, I am born a jinx!

😈

Life too short for regrets

 I woke up this morning feeling so miserable.  >Sigh<

"What's wrong with me?" I thought.

Mmmm .... maybe I was badly affected by the rude customer I served last evening.

I hate the 'not so rich' and 'not so poor human' who looked down on senior working in supermarket or low salaried job.  They think so highly of themselves just because of the huge purchases they make.  Talk so rude and their facial expression clearly shows "you are low class people".  Can't even use words like please; thank you.  I always believe somewhere, somehow, this rude customer will get the same treatment upon herself one day.

My cash sales does not tally last night.  >Sigh<

You see, I am a perfectionist and afraid to make mistake.  I cannot get over it immediately and this fear of mistake again would last couple of days.  Perhaps, age is really catching up and I cannot multi-task now.

I get anxious easily when stressed and fumbled a lot.  There was one incident where a customer scolded me for being slow as he was already running late.

Being new to this job, searching for the product barcode takes time.  However, this customer who clearly has no empathy, chided me for taking too long to find it.  He scolded me as if I am his maid! His ranting made me 'super' nervous and stressed! I kept doing the wrong thing and forgot to bag his purchases!  Another round of scolding from him!  I was on the verge of blurting out "FU damn it".

>Sigh<

My colleagues always said "customer is always right" but I do not agree to this.  These two encounters clearly shown that this statement is wrong.

People nowadays do not know what is 'respect'.  >Sigh<😔

Well, I have to move on! Life is too short for regrets! 😁