Confused and Scared

I knew everyone has to die one day.  Nothing can escape death.

Death is an extremely scary thing for no one will know what's death gonna be like.  I fear death and very often will think about how my life would end.  Will I have a peaceful death without pain and suffering? Will I know when my time is up?

Going to bed at night is the worst.  I would end up thinking about death and that will make me more fearful and scared.  I will quickly chant Buddha Kwan Im to keep my mind off the thought.

There are many questions going through my head, how I would leave this world, when will I leave, where will I be when time comes, and so on.  Nobody has the answer, not even the enlightened monk or nun.

My husband always tells me, "why think when there is no answer? Live happily la."

Sometimes, I would think back about the bad things I did when I was growing up.  After moving back to stay with my dad, I remembered taking money from his work pocket without telling him.  Now I think about it, this is stealing! Omigosh, I'm such a horrible person! I also tell lies many times, even till this day! Oh no, I'm gonna be burnt in hell and had my tongue cut!

How to atone for my sins?  Till this day, I've not done any good deeds, I'm gonna be sent to hell instead.  Sob, sob, how?!!

Sigh, don't think so much la, do good if opportunity comes.